Tales from the Scales

weight: 232

ok, so yesterday was weigh-in day, and to my horror, I am NOT maintaining at 230, but rather have snuck up to 232! And this after being SUPER steller the day before, exercising twice- TWICE- in one day *gasp*!!!

however, I am PMSing right now and so hopefully by next week, the numbers will be kinder.

On the other hand, I ate ok yesterday, but had some lite beers last night and a bad midnight snack. hmph. oh and no exercise because of my damned heel- it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch after my over exertion the day before.

I am feeling overall pretty dejected about the whole thing. Can't I be good for one day and then just look fabulous? No? well shit.

ok, so my goal JUST for today is: exercise. water. no booze. eat light. sounds simple eh?

somehow I'll find a way to fuck it up. :)

weight: 230

months since last post: 7

yes, I know. I said I was going to post no matter what. Even if I fell off the wagon. But I think it's natural to close up and hide when you are struggling...failing. Lets just say I've spent the last 7 months going up and down like a yo-yo, but mostly, just hiding and wallowing in food.

my current weight is 230, and has been for the past month or more. Actually, I was maintaining at 229 for a long time, and I was at least happy to be in the "twenties." but a few months back I was up at 238, 240 again, and thats...well, 244 is my ALL time highest weight. So I am not doing much better than that.

I am so afraid of failure that I am hesitant to make any promises here right now. Even to myself. All I know is, I am miserable at this weight, I want to lose it. I have great motivators to do it, too! Like in 3 months time, in late January, I am going to Hollywood to see Lucy Lawless in concert! With my 10 yr old daughter. :) cute huh? And I am sooo NOT showing up there at a club in Hollywood, in the same room as Xena, weighing 230. NOT happening. I would love to be under 200 by then. 199, even. But I'll take anything- 205. 210. just NOT 230 or 220's. blah. so sick of those numbers!

of course, that motivation is just a tiny part of it. I want it for ME, for all of my life. for my health, my kids, my relationship. better sex. or at least, easier sex...lol. more energy. less depression. less heel pain. Lots of reasons. I also want to quit smoking, and cut wayyy back on alcohol. So, my goals are pretty simple right now:

1. cut back soming, no smoking at computer or in car
2. no alcohol except on weekend (limited)
3. walk/exercise 30 minutes, at least 5 days a week (to start with)
4. do weights/strength exercises 2-3 times a week
5. write down food/points, follow WW points plan
6. water water water
7. no more bringing CRAP food into the house. limit eating out, no fried foods etc.

thats it for now. I will weigh in on wednesdays, and measure myself every month around the 1st of the month.

I'll try to post here daily to keep track of my progress. I have a lot of emotional crap going on right now, so when I feel up to it I may go into it in more detail. Lets just say right now I have definately been filling the void with food, and wine, and its not helping...nope nope nope.

one step at a time. I am going to go on a walk now. wish me luck.


List of things I want to do when I'm skinny (er).

1. run!
2. go swimming again- (I don't even own a bathing suit!)
3. better sex. (I won't go into details but I know what I'm talking about)
4. enjoy having my photo taken with my family again (and not want to destroy said pictures)
5. run a 5 k or one of those little things
6. get dressed up fancy and actually FEEL pretty, sexy (and hold my head high...not wish to hell I could blend into the wallpaper)
7. go kayaking (and not worry that I won't fit in one or capsize it!)
8. be able to see when I am shaving! (ahem. I don't mean my legs).

(TOM started on Sunday, March 11.)

Well, I know it's been a long time. Too long. I said no matter what I would keep writing, and I didn't. I closed down. But, it's only been a couple of weeks, not months, right? It could be worse.

Usually when I stop writing or journaling my food/points, I have "slipped." And that is true in this case too.

I guess what really bothers me is that it's not just that I slip on this "diet," (I know it isn't a diet!!!) But that it's also wrapped up in a downward spiral for me. The last few weeks I have been depressed, had lots of anxiety issues, felt ill, felt tired, haven't slept well, drank more, smoked too much, stopped exercising, and abused food.

I have done a few positive things for myself, like colored my hair (K helped me with the highlights, and then she used some of the highlights too! so cute.) I also bought myself some new clothes. I am trying to fight against the negative voice in my head saying I don't deserve these thingsd, because I am SO fat and they won't make any difference anyway. But, fuck! I do deserve nice things, and to look and feel my best, no matter what size I am. right???

I've also been housecleaning more, and trying to do more positive parenting things. K and I went out to lunch last friday and that was very nice! We also have been following a budget the last month, and have a much better handle on our finaces. Basically, everything in my life is GOOD, and is only getting better. SO why am I allowing myself to fall into such a slump?

I don't know. It may be depression, to a degree. I am seeing a counselor and she is really nice. I hope that may help me in many areas of my life, although I am mainly going for my anxiety attacks. Also, the cost factor is a bit steep, but I think I really need to do it for a while.

So...thats kinda my update for the last few weeks.

Today is a new day. As I sat there this morning, having my coffee and a donut (arggg, I KNOWWWW!), and watching tv, I noticed the sun shining outside. It's been pretty grey/rainy/windy lately, so it was a nice change. I felt myself yearn to be outdoors. So, I got dressed and took the dogs with me, got in the car and drove down the road a mile or so to the park. It's a beautiful park, and has a trail that goes all around it. It's only a .8 mile trail, but its really nice and has lots of hills, and I went around it twice with the dogs on leashes. Now THAT part was a PITA because the dogs aren't used to leashes and pull and tug and get tangled all the time! But I felt safer with them. This park is off the road and fairly isolated, with lots of trees and woods around it. Kinda scary. But, I faced my fears and went, and eventually saw other walkers, some with dogs, and even stopped to chat to a couple of women and their dog. It was nice- the sun was shining, the air was crisp and fresh and I felt really alive!

I figure 2 times around is about 1.5 miles. so 4 times would be 3 miles, which will be my goal from now on. I want to try to go as much as possible in good weather, and the weather is only going to get nicer and nicer from here on out. The cherry trees are blossoming and it is almost spring! yipee!!

I am almost scared to make any goals or promises. I want to be good to myself, be kind, be healthy. I am going to take this one day at a time. Today I made a choice to be good to me, and take care of me. I am going to try to eat healthy and also to shower and look good and feel good about myself today. Hopefully, will choose the same tomorrow, or similar anyway!

I haven't weighed since last friday, and I was 233. I also started TOM Sunday, so I am not sure what to expect this week, but we shall see come friday.

Well, last night I weighed myself and it still said 233. I was prepared for another gain, since last week I was up a pound at 231...I thought maybe 232 this week. BUT...lo and behold, this morning I stepped on the scale and it was 230.5! So, a 1 lb loss from last week, and I am almost back to my 230 low of the week before last! the 20's are soooo close again!

I had a gain, too. in my BANK account. my tax refund came in overnight, and just in the nick of time, as K has to pay a bill today! So, I am very happy, and greatful for that as well.

Meanwhile...I've been having panic/anxiety attacks a lot lately. I finally called a counselor yesterday and will see her Monday. I hate feeling so helpless and it is realy affecting my life, my happiness, my weight loss efforts. Yesterday I was walking around the block at R's house, and I suddenly got freaked out about my heart rate...so I went back inside, when I really WANTED to keep walking. I am afraid to go to my BL class, afraid I'll have an anxiety attack. I struggled with it the last class I went to. It REALLY sucks, but I hope I will be able to get some help with it soon.

today I am pulling myself up by my boot straps. All week I have kind of wallowed in self pity, or perhaps self hatred...but today I am going to shower, look good, feel good, go to class, kick some ass, and I have the day off work AND I have money! well, sort of. It's all going to bills.

wish me luck!

I am really in a funk this week, and I am trying to pull myself out of it!

Well, my weekend strategy held up...sorta. For the most part! I did really well in seattle, I had 4 lite beers, we had our picnic on the ferry, and we had a good time. on the way home we had Burger King, but I had a Jr Whopper, and not all my fries, so I felt ok about it. The rest of the weekend was good, but sunday night, I drank WAY too much wine, and I'm not sure if it was a hangover or a migrane but the next day I was sick as a DOG. I had to go to work, too, and I puked about 6 times in 2 hours. I was in bed the rest of the day till 7 pm. the good part was that I didnt eat till 7:30 and that was soup.

But, the next day I still felt ill, and even yesterday I was so tired, and ended up having major anxiety attacks and feeling very weepy and lonely. It was a rough day yesterday.

to top this steller week off (not!) I missed 2 BL classes AGAIN, haven't worked out, and saw 233 on the scale today. thats 2 lbs up from last week. arg.

I am forcing myself to post today because I know this pattern. self destruct. giving up. Shutting down. But, I won't do it. Last night in bed I was thinking about how much I *could* lose before July. in July I am hoping to go on a road trip and see some friends in Utah and family in AZ. I am 230ish right now. If I could lose 30 lbs, I could be at or near onederland by July! I think it is totally doable. And even if I lost slower, would I rather be 230 (or more) in July, or at least down to like, 220, 215??? I would sooo rather be maintaining around there than the stupid 230's. I am SO over the 230's. they are sooo like, 5 seconds ago.

I could see 229 by NEXT weigh in (not tomorrow but next week). Thats only 2-3 lbs from where I am now.


Here is my goal:

Weight Goal Stats
Current Weight
Your weight is 232 lb as of 02/22/2007.

Weight Goal
Your goal is to weigh 205 lb by 07/01/2007

Goal Progress
You are currently 27 lb above the target weight.

The deadline for your goal is 129 days (18 weeks, 3 days) away.

To meet your goal you need to lose about 1.47 lb per week.


So, that is 27 lbs, and if I have even a few good weeks of 2-3 lb losses, and then some smaller weeks of losses, it could totally happen! right? right?

I am searching for hope, for determination. Having a date or motivation in mind is just a help aid...it is not the reason for losing the weight. But it could be a bonus! It (weight loss) is not all there is to life, or to my happiness. I KNOW that. But it is so important to me.

So is my overall health. I am looking into seeing a counselor again, just to get some feedback and advice, and someone to talk to to. short term.

I want to quit smoking...really really. I NEED to cut back on alcohol, both for weight loss and my health, and I am really aware of the fact that literally every single person in my immediate family is struggling with addictions of one kind or another. I do NOT want to be like them. I will not.


So, thats it for now...I need to go to work. today is a new day, and tomorrow is a new week, with flex points renewed and all!

my short term goals are:

go to my class tomorrow

work out once this weekend

use less than half my flexies this weekend

no alcohol this weekend

cut back on cigs, 10-15 a day.

and of course next week, I want to go to 3 BL classes, workout at least twice more on my own, and stick to my WW points, and not go over my flex points!